Hello,
James. Remember me? I'm the woman on Facebook you recently called out
as being stupid when I refused to
continue responding to your childish, ignorant, sexist bullshit. But
you probably still can't place me because I'm willing to bet good
money I'm not the only woman you've insulted in your life.
I
know your kind, James. You are, unfortunately, not a unique breed.
You feel threatened by women, thwarted by them, maligned by them. You
feel inferior, and your inferiority complex manifests itself into
what I'm sure you believe is scathing social commentary on Facebook
and (probably) a vast number of other sites. You spread your
thinly-veiled sexism with the disclaimer that, “Hey, I used to
counsel rape victims! I can't be sexist! You're just a man hater!”
I've
seen your kind before, James. Small, petty men who believe the world
owes them something because they deigned to give
something of themselves to women and, gods above, women took
something away from them. “They're not allowed to do that!” says
James. “I've given so much, it's my turn!”
Here's
the thing, James; we don't take turns. No one is given a turn. No one
hands out turns. Life is random happenstance that is influenced by
your attitude and your choices. If you choose to be a prick, it's
safe to say what happens to you will be befitting of that
choice.
I
know you're a sexist, James. I know it because you showed it. And no,
I don't normally go around calling people sexist. Believe me or
don't, those who know me know I'm pretty easygoing about that kind of
thing. I don't enjoy slapping negative labels on people. And I
haven't gotten into a full-blown angry debate with someone online in a good, long while. Mostly because I think it's
pointless. And it usually is. The person you're debating with is
usually ignorant, stubborn, and just as self-righteous as they claim
you're being, and they're not going to get your point, much less
concede to it, so why bother?
But
you, James, you flipped my bitch switch. Was it because you wandered
onto a thread about the ridiculously lenient sentence of a convicted
rapist and started tossing your dick about, decrying the rampant
misandry in family law? Yes, that was part of it. Was it because you
claimed “liberal men like you” are turning away from women's
issues because women obviously don't care about men? That was another
part. Was it because you claimed that women are to blame for the fact
that you don't get to see your kids more than you do? Oh, yes,
believe me, that was a big part of it.
But
you know what the biggest irritant was? The fact that you could so
flippantly toss that shit out there like a hand grenade in church,
then claim you're not sexist. The fact that you believe
your own bullshit, James, is what concerns me. Because conviction is
the heaviest ingredient in zealotry. You actually believe you're not
sexist, James, and that
is what pissed me off.
Even
more troubling is the fact that you don't seem very knowledgeable
about the world outside of your own sphere. Which isn't surprising,
but you did an awful lot of generalizing (and admitted to it, so
don't be shy about it now) for a man who's only experienced the court
procedures in one district. Now, I'm not claiming to have a lot of
experience with family court, but I have been the spectator for three
separate family court cases, each one in a different state, each one
with different outcomes. The first involved my husband (boyfriend at
the time). There was no custody to hash out, just child support, and
that happened with very little input on my husband's part. The only
thing about that case that irks me to this day is that my husband was
required to pay the entire Medicaid bill as if he were the only one
responsible for the pregnancy. That is certainly sexist, James, so on
that, you and I can agree.
The
second instance involved a man I knew in Florida who fought tooth and
nail for years against his ex-wife for custody of their two sons.
Granted, I only saw his side of it, but he's a decent guy and a great
father, and eventually, he was able to maintain primary custody. But
not before going to considerable expense (and being brought damn near
to the brink of insanity) before it was over.
The
third instance involved a female relative of mine who'd left her
physically and emotionally abusive husband only to lose custody of
all three of her kids to him because she was planning to move to
another state. The judge didn't want to “uproot the children”.
Giving them to a man who was a rapist with boderline personality
disorder was apparently better than removing them from Kentucky. This
left them to be raised by a man who frequently used them as pawns
against their mother. A man who called their mother a slut and a
whore. A man who'd hit their mother in front of them. A man who had a
history of sexually abusing others, one that was admitted to by his own
mother in court.
The
results? The oldest boy, now 23, has a strained relationship with his
mother because of the years he was indoctrinated with lies about his
mother's promiscuity and her unwillingness to get custody back when
she returned to Kentucky. This was false, of course, as she tried at
regular intervals to regain custody to no avail. Even when one of the
boys was struck by his father's second wife and told his guidance
counselor of the incident, nothing was done.
The
second oldest, another boy, is now 22. While his relationship with
his mother seems a little less strained, he's still in the awkward
position of being pitted between one parent and another. His father
still regularly maligns their mother, and what do you say to a parent
who acts less mature than you?
The
youngest child, a girl, is 18 now. We'll call her “R”, to avoid
confusion. “R” finally got away from her father last year when
her mother (whom we'll call “A” for this story) decided to move
back to Michigan to be closer to family, and since the father only
had about five more months to use “R” to control “A”, he
conceded to “R's” request to move with her mother. “R” hates
her father. Not just dislikes or disrespects, actively hates, with a
loathing I'm not sure even I can comprehend. And while I don't often
subscribe to hatred because I feel it's a wasted emotion, I can't
even slightly blame her for it. Her father used her her entire life
to hurt her mother. He never cared about his daughter, as evidenced
by the fact that he never spent time with her and frequently called
her names. He only cared about the damage he could do to “A”, and
the control he exercised over them both.
If
you want an idea of what this man is like, consider this: after
moving to Michigan, “R's” father was still supposed to pay child
support until “R” graduated from high school, that deadline being
set at May of this year. In September or October of last year,
however, “A” received a letter from the father's lawyer stating
that the father refused to pay the final few thousand he would owe up
to that deadline, and his reason for doing so was that “A” had
removed “R” from the state without the father's knowledge or
approval. This was a blatant lie, however, and “A” had documented
proof that she'd been in contact with “R's” father about the
move, and had provided him with their address before they'd even set
foot in the state. When “A” sent this proof back to the father's
lawyer, the matter was quickly dropped and a check for the remaining
child support balance arrived.
A
week or so ago, “R” received word from one of her brothers that
their father had told him he'd taken pity on “A” and not dragged
her to court over it. This is just one of many (far, far too many)
insane stories from the man who was given custody by a court that
didn't seem to give a single, solitary fuck about the welfare of the
children involved.
That's
what one district of the Kentucky family court did for a family I'm
close to, James. The emotional scars on the kids and their mother are
still raw in places, even after nearly twenty years. It doesn't help
that, up until recently, their ties to the man who loved making
everyone's lives a living hell couldn't be cut.
So
can you maybe see where I was coming from, James? Why your blatant
attempts to blame all the womenses for your problems set me on edge a
little bit? Could you maybe try and see things from another person's
perspective, not the perspective of the entitled white male who feels
like if he's not getting everything he wants, he's somehow being
cheated by the weaker sex?
I
understand it's difficult to not spend time with your kids. I get
what a hardship that must be as I have a child of my own, and if at
any point someone had tried keeping him from me, things would not
have gone well for them. I see that fathers are sometimes tossed
aside and that mothers are occasionally given too much credit simply
because they're viewed as the defacto nurturers when there are some
women who don't have a nurturing bone in their bodies.
But
I also remember that when my grandfather left my grandmother in the
late 1950s, he took all three of their children with him, and there
wasn't a damn thing my grandmother could do about it. I remember that
she spent time in a mental institution because of it.
And
then I take a look at whiny little piss-ants like yourself and I
wonder about your claims. I wonder about your wife's reasons for not offering you more time with your kids. Because I've gotta tell ya, James, your attitude does
not recommend you as someone I'd want my
son emulating. I know there are women out there who gleefully
announce they won't let their baby daddies have any access to their
kids while happily cashing those support checks every month. But I
also know there are ignorant men out there who beat their chests and
claim to be something they're not. In your case, James, it's you
claiming you're not
something that you so clearly are. A sexist and an entitled prick.
You happily and zealously tossed out generalizing comments about
women, how we feel, what we think, how we behave. You accused every
single one of us of not caring about the rights of fathers. Do you
want to know where I stand on that issue, James?
Fuck
it, I don't care what you want, I'm going to tell you, anyway. I
despise family court for general, innocuous family drama bullshit. As
far as I'm concerned, when two people divorce, they should be able to
behave like adults, set aside their petty grievances, and do what's
right for their children. Of course, there are always going to be
people like the father I mentioned above, or the mother of the boys
in Florida (who by all accounts was an irresponsible, neglectful
parent), and those are the people family court should be reserved
for.
Unfortunately,
we live in a world where adults don't often behave like rational,
mature beings (you're proof of that if ever it was needed, James), so
family court is a necessary evil. Does family court sometimes get it
wrong? Yes, undoubtedly. Does someone occasionally get hurt? Yes.
I'll let you in on a little secret, though, James: when it comes down
to a fight in family court, the outcome is always wrong and always
right. It just depends on which table you're sitting at. When parents
fight over their children like scraps at a table during famine,
forcing the court to choose between them, one
of those parents is going to walk away feeling like they've been
cheated. And guess what else, James? Family court legislation wasn't
written by evil femmebots from the planet ManHater. It was drafted by
men and women, those
with families and without, and it is interpreted and administered by
both, as well.
Yes, really.
I have to say, though, your bravado is pretty impressive. You strolled onto a thread
about leniency in a sexual assault case, looked around, maybe
chuckled to yourself a little, then took a big, fat shit on the
subject. Did you think you'd get a warm reception, James? Did you
think anyone in that
particular comment thread would agree with you? When you implied that
you'd care more about a rapist's lenient sentence if the
evil FemiNazis hadn't taken your kids from you, did you really think
that would garner sympathy?
I
can't imagine having such confidence; that my wildly off-topic and
inflammatory comment would garner respect and validation seems absurd. So I can
only assume that you did what you did expressly with the intent of
pissing people off. And you succeeded!
Bravo, James, you succeeded at
something. Does it feel good? Does it feel good to know that you got
a few women to go all “PMS” on you? That we became “difficult”
and “combative” to try and educate your dumb ass on the meaning
of sexism? Was your ego stroked calling us ignorant and crazy and
hypocritical? Did you bolster your own views by pointing at us and
shouting, “See?! See??? You all hate me because I have a penis!”? Did mansplaining the feminist movement to me get your manly juices flowing? When one of us pointed out that you were perhaps not a good choice to
raise children given your attitude toward women and sexual assault,
you claimed she was advocating for the complete removal of your
children from your life, asserting a view that hadn't been expressed by anyone. You then went on to say that she was tossing hatred at men.
She
wasn't tossing hatred at men, James. She was tossing hatred at you.
You specifically. Because you are not all men, James, and thank
Christ for that. You're a fair-sized portion of men, sure, but you're
not all. It might surprise you to know that a fair amount of men you
might want to consider broskis would be appalled at your attitude
and your statements. I know quite a few of them. You said, "Keep labeling and dismissing men like me and see how far you get".
You're damn right I'll keep labeling and dismissing men like you, James. You're a self-righteous, condescending, entitled, sexist prick, and I've been dismissing those like you all my life. So far, things have been great. I have a husband who isn't a self-righteous, condescending, entitled, sexist prick, and we've successfully raised a son who isn't a self-righteous, condescending, entitled, sexist prick. So your rather bumbling attempt at a threat vaguely promising dire repercussions if I refuse to bow to the manliest of the manly is rather laughable.
You said women lose allies like you when you're thwarted. You're under the assumption that we want allies like you, James. An ally whose loyalty is conditional on whether or not we bend over backwards for him? No, thank you.
You said women lose allies like you when you're thwarted. You're under the assumption that we want allies like you, James. An ally whose loyalty is conditional on whether or not we bend over backwards for him? No, thank you.
At
one point, you said “women don't care” about the plight of
fathers in family court. I corrected you and asserted that I, for
one, do care. What was
your response, James? Do you remember? I do. You had the bloody cheek
to ask me, "If you care so much, why hasn't anything changed?"
Really,
James? Here, just let me get out my “Fix This Bullshit” wand and
wave it in your general direction.
Moron.
Do
you know who has the power to fix things in your backyard, James? You
fucking do. If you
care so much about your plight and the plight of other wronged
fathers the world-over, why don't you stop making sexist
comments on Facebook and fucking
do something about it?
But
that's not your style, is it, James? After all, if you decided to
take this shit seriously instead of just being an irritating social
media troll, you might have to climb down off that cross of yours and
put in some actual effort. And while your kids might mean a lot to
you, taking time out of your busy martyrdom just isn't in the cards
right now, is it?
Our final exchange will always hold a special place in my heart, James. When you went on your final tirade about how all the family court laws in your province were obvs written by women, and how your FEMALE lawyer (yes, you had to CAPS "lawyer" because everyone knows you can't be a sexist pig if you've got a female lawyer) told you that the laws were sexist and you were going to get screwed...
At that point, I'd just had it, James. I'd had enough of your bullshit. So I just commented back, "Okay, James."
After which you politely told me to piss off and said that clearly, I am "not the brightest crayon in the box". Yes. Clearly I am the dumbest of the dumbs because I don't understand your exceptional brilliance. A man whose reading comprehension topped out somewhere in middle school, who doesn't grasp the subtleties of the English language but asserts that anyone who opposes him has "no idea", who tries to hide behind decent men, and believes his entire province is run like the Amazonian planet in Futurama. Clearly, you are my intellectual superior.
But
what the hell do I know, James? I'm just a dumb broad.